I am not convinced that Blogging while grieving is a good idea. There is a strong possibility that I will look at this post in a day or so and say, “Oh. Um. Right. Hmmmm. I’ll just be deleting that in a hurry!” cough.
Apparently, ‘writing things down’ is supposed to be good ‘therapy’. I don’t know that it is when you are already a writer. Ahh, but I will try it anyway because, right now, I am really feeling this grief and if writing about it ends up alleviating some of it? Well, I’m all for giving it a try! Nothing else has worked so far.
Regular readers of this blog of mine already know what is happening for me right now. Those of you who know me personally know a little more than the ‘casual reader’ does. You already know the reasons why I am expecting myself to stay strong.
And you already know that I am beating myself up because I consider my sudden inability to deal with shit as a sign of weakness. I consider it a failure on my part; a character flaw that has decided to present itself now, of all times!
Until I suddenly realised that I am grieving more than one significant loss right now. Any of these losses on their own would be enough to knock the average person about a bit, but it took more than one to knock me about. And, in some sick kind of way, that actually makes me feel slightly better. I don’t feel like I’ve let myself down as much as I did before that realisation just hit me.
A Demon told me recently that “Grief is selfish”. That Demon was right. It is not selfish in a bad way, which the Demon also pointed out. It is just selfish in as much as we are mourning our own loss; what we no longer have. And, no, before you start worrying about my current mental health, I will tell you outright that I am not saying that I just raised a Supernatural Being in order to get some answers! Demons come in many shapes and sizes and some of them do more than a passingly good job of being human, but a Demon is a Demon, nonetheless.
And I am being selfish right now. I am hurting over what I have already lost, and what I am losing now.
And, do you know what? I feel better already, because I can see what an absolute TOOL I am being right now!
Hmmm… Maybe this therapy stuff does work?