So, What Happened?

Regular readers of my Blog have been waiting for me to spill the ‘dirt’ on what happened with ‘The Blue Dude’ for a while now.  Members of two social networking sites keep writing to me to ask the same question.

I have never been one for drama, and I am certainly not one who ‘airs dirty laundry in public’, as the saying goes. I am Australian and we Aussies are rather circumspect.  We are not the country of  ‘Jerry Springer’, et al.  So, if you are waiting for me to trash him from one end of the interwebs to the other (and, sure, few would blame me if I did) hold your breath.  You’ll eventually pass out and start breathing again, anyway.

‘It just didn’t work out’ sounds like a bit of an anti-climax when we had donation drives in place to help me reach his side!

So, how did I go from feeling like the most wanted woman on the planet to making a cameo appearance in this man’s life? I have heard the unspoken questions: “Well, he met her, so what’s wrong with her?” “Man, she must really suck! Is she a whack-job or something?”  “She looks ok in her photos. So what does she really look like, then?”, “She seemed so cool, and funny, and kick-ass and…”

Yeah.  Believe me, you are not the only ones who asked those questions. I fucking asked them of myself…AT LENGTH at the time, and with a brutality that only a real Sadist could manifest when doing the questioning.  The shock of that fall winded me completely! The “must have, have, have, want, want, want, want NOW” became just another “It is what it fucking is”, in a long list of ‘what it fucking is’s’.

So, what happened?

I found myself, at long last, is what happened.  I found out who I really am. I finally discovered me when I got back to Australia and got my breath back. I do not suck.  I am not ugly. I am not a whack-job.  I am kick-ass, and funny, and attractive, and much, much more!  I am not ‘second rate’, or ‘not good enough’ after all.  I am me: full of personal integrity, dedication, determination, and the ability to love unconditionally. I have strength, intelligence, humour, and a wisdom that few could comprehend, including ‘The Blue Dude’, himself. And I have a warrior’s heart!

Yes, I was knocked off a pretty high pedestal, but I didn’t break when I landed.  I bounced … and then I flew.

I am now much higher up than I was on that shaky, shaky pedestal that I once stood on.

Turns out that I am much better than I ever knew I was! 

No. I have not turned into an egomaniac.  I am simply utterly aware of my own worth now!  And no, you cannot touch me. I am ‘off limits’ to everyone on the planet! And that is simply my choice, not someone else’s now!



Filed under The American Diaries

5 responses to “So, What Happened?

  1. Marie A Schappacher...... Rayne...............

    We Both well actually all
    Three of us “know” what is Real and What is not and What and Who Matters And What and Who does not..
    Love trust honor Respect Compassion and A dash of Humor……

  2. A

    more than 3, You do not know me, yet we are the split face of the same coin, your blue man and she of the Ebon hair and burning eyes. You steel my soul to know I will bounce once the ground is done with me. I have sat on the same pedestal and been knocked off by the same forces, for the same reasons. We may never cross paths or words in this life but it is true for every action there is a equal and opposite reaction, and i thought it had an A instead of a E also.

    • S.

      Thank you for writing. If my post has helped to give you courage then I am glad of it, although I do not know you. I will give you some more words of encouragement. Once that ground is done with you, you simply no longer care and actually wonder why you ever did. That piece of encouragement is not born from a sense of bitterness, anger or pain but, rather, comes from a place within the heart, and more closely resembles awe, wonder and relief at first. I moved through that quickly and now the act of not caring is a simple fact, devoid of any emotion at all.

  3. A

    I will welcome that place of tranquility when it arrives, sadly I am still falling now, perhaps because I had hope that things were not as they appeared and trusted words that I should not have heeded. Oscar Wilde – ” A true friend stabs you in the front. ” It is not my intent to use your forum for my own woes, I only felt a compelling need to reach out since the spider web was trembling across the globe. Maybe your new elevation is the hurricane started from the wings of a moth, that thought may allow me sleep tonight in any case.

    • S.

      No apology necessary. Just remember that no one is worth losing your pride over. Never allow another to define who you are, because the moment you do, you begin to lose yourself. And please remember that some things are deserved, and some things are not. As for me? I gained so much more than I lost that it is hard to look at the situation with much more than gratitude for what I found, now. And, yes, finding ‘me’ is only one part of what I discovered.

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