I have been awake for a while now, watching the clock. Ten years ago, at the exact time of beginning this journal entry, hundreds of people had just died. Hundreds more would die in the ensuing hours.
Ten years ago, at this exact time, I had the television on. It was evening in Australia and the television show I was viewing had cut to a commercial break. When the first images of destruction from the World Trade Center flooded onto my television screen I thought the show I was watching had come back on. I was expecting the camera to pan out to reveal a character from the show engrossed in a movie.
The camera never did pan out…
After I recovered from my initial confusion I ran from the room to tell my (now ex) partner that something truly dreadful was happening. As I did that, I logged onto the internet using my old ‘dial up’ internet connection. I had friends in the US. Friends in exactly the part of the country that was currently full of smoke, fire, ash, dust, and things much worse than that. I screamed out for a ‘roll call’ on the email list that we were all members of at that time.
In the time it took me to do that, the second plane hit the World Trade Center. I never did see it in real-time as it hit. I think I am grateful that I didn’t, you know?
Once I discovered that my friends were safe I went back into the room and watched, along with most of the rest of the world, as an already awful situation continued to get worse. Even now, ten years later, the memories of what I saw are so fresh that it is hard to comprehend that such a lot of time has passed. I remember the horror. I remember the anguish. I remember holding my (now grown) son in my arms and wondering exactly what I had done by bringing him into such a world. I clung to him, not wanting to let him escape from my arms, and cried in fear for him. Back then, none of us knew what to expect. None of us knew what was going to happen. We do now. But, back then, at this exact time, we just didn’t know!
And the firefighters and police poured into those massive crime scenes…The WTC, The Pentagon and, eventually, a field in Pennsylvania. While most of us felt powerless to do anything, these brave men and women went to work. Others joined them and helped where they could; in whatever way they could.
I did, too. I was not powerless. I had a job to do, too. I did it.
Now…I am a rather private person. It may seem odd, given the fact that I have an active Blog with a steadily growing readership and I tend to reveal things about myself here for all to see. However, I am introspective by nature. And so, today; today on this dreadful anniversary, I will find the strength to face ridicule. Ridicule is not as bad as a screaming, terrifying death. It is nowhere near as bad. I’ll cope.
My close friends know about my Spiritual side. My close friends know who and what I am and what I do. Among other things I am what could be called a ‘Shadow Walker’, a Funerary Priestess, a Medium. Although, I really do tend to shy away from the word ‘Medium’. It has too many negative and erroneous connotations for my liking and I do not channel, use Ouija Boards, or run around like Whoopie Goldberg’s character in the movie ‘Ghost’. Nope. It’s just me and the Dead. Let’s just say that I not only see the Dead, hear the Dead, and feel the Dead, I work with the Dead and do what I can to help them. I don’t charge money for what I do. I have no interest in having my own Television show. I work in the background, just quietly getting on with it, as it were.
And so, myself, along with many other Shadow Workers from around the world, got on with the business of speaking to the Dead and moving on those who wished to move. I remember seeing others like me as we did our jobs. I know they are feeling what I am feeling today, and I send out a silent nod of kinship to them right now.
The messages (and the work) were awful. I received so many messages that I had no hope of passing on that I became horribly distressed. What I saw, felt, did, and heard will stay with me always.
I could not even walk into a Psych’s office and say “Um, some help please? I need someone to talk to right now. I am distressed as a result of dealing with the Dead of 9/11”. As some of you reading this will have already decided that I am a ‘nut case’, it doesn’t take much of a stretch of the imagination to understand how a psych would have handled my case!
To this day, I will always be blessed to have been able to debrief with an understanding CSI who worked that massive crime scene. Maggot Wolf (an affectionate term for her, on account of the number of maggots she saw on a daily basis) if you’re out there Hon, I’m thinking of you today with gratitude for the help you offered me all that time ago. She was able to validate all that I saw; all that I could not have known because I lived so far away and knew nothing about the way such things worked. At that time I was ignorant of the geography of America and the streets of New York City. She verified all that I had seen. We helped each other, when all is said and done. It made some difference in its own way. But it will never be okay. Some things just aren’t, you know?
One thing that I could not have known ten years ago was that, today, I am in the US. I am actually in the US, in New York. I flew on United Airlines to come here. On my return trip several months ago, I was on a United flight when Osama Bin Laden was killed. We weren’t told at the time. I found out when I arrived back home. It seemed fitting in its own way that I was on a United flight when it happened. It provided some small sense of closure for me in a way.
And today, as I remember it all, I am here. I am in the US, among US citizens that I love. I am in the very country that was wounded forever on that awful day. I will still do what I can to help although, at the time of writing, I am not sure what that is. But I am here and that matters to me. If that matters to you then please, reach out? I am here, ok?
To those who lost loved ones on that day? My thoughts are with you all, and that includes those you loved and lost. To those who are still suffering as a result of this event? My thoughts are with you, too.
And, now that this post is written, I will sit here in silent vigil as I remember what should never be forgotten. Ever.
Blessings to you.